Here comes the disclaimer: We are NOT encouraging you to kill anyone, or try to hide it if you do. Kids, do not try this at home.

First, you need to take care of any identifying features. Face, fingerprints, tattoos and birthmarks – they all have to go. Burn ‘em or smash ‘em, doesn’t matter. If you want to dump the body whole, make sure you then dress it in clothes from a second-hand store (that you have never touched with un-gloved hands) and dump it in a bad part of town.

Next is the smell. If you’re keeping a body around the house for a while you will need to make sure it doesn’t smell. Drain it of all blood and other fluids by cutting it open and performing CPR. Make sure you do it in an easily cleanable place (the bath is perfect). Half-fill the bath with bleach (to disguise the smell of old blood, and to help with the cleaning). Once the fluids are drained, the body will keep a little while longer. Don’t use preservatives like formaldehyde. Although they will give you more time, they have a distinct smell of their own. The neighbours will notice.

If you’re old-fashioned and want to bury the body, try to seperate it into parts. This is not as hard as it sounds and doesn’t require a chainsaw. Think of it as a big chicken – a knife and plenty of energy is all you need. Cut it into six parts: The head, the torso and two arms and two legs. Bury each part in a different place (someone going to the same patch of forest six times in six nights is a dead giveaway, no pun intended). Digging a deep grave for one arm is a lot easier than digging a deep grave for an entire body, so you should be able to do this quickly. Do the digging around 4am, when the human body is sleepiest, and people are less likely to wake up. Store the other parts in plastic wrap in the freezer until you are ready to bury them.

Dissolving in lime is a popular way to dispose of a body. No, not the kind of lime you use for Mojitos. The kind of lime that will dissolve your own skin if you’re not careful. It will take a lot of lime to do this, so spread your shopping around several gardening stores. Do this in a large barrel or other suitable container, preferably a long way from your house – this stuff stinks.

An alternative to this is to cut the body into very small pieces and feed it down the drain with lots of Drano. This will take weeks, or months, depending on the size of the body, so it is only an option for people with plenty of time on their hands, and lots of privacy. It is also only an option for places with good plumbing, like those you find when renting apartments in Berlin, so ensure that your pipes are good, or take the toilet off to access the large sewer drain beneath.